"Fire Down Below" by Debra Anastasia

Wow... how do you rate and review something that is so different from anything you have ever read, you have nothing to compare it to? At all?

This book had me going through everything from crying with laughter to wrinkling my nose in awkward digust. It had me from wanting to recommend it to everyone I know, to wanting to apologize to my kindle for having introduced it to this book.

I wanted to stop reading it.
More than once.
But I just couldn't.
Because I went from thinking it was absolutely ridiculously disgusting nonsense, to thinking it was entertainingly hilarious in a bothering, but hands down utterly genius way. And it really is, when you don't second-guess, when you just go ahead and ignore everything your mother has taught you about right and wrong, and just let it entertain you - farts, genitals, fungus, awkward intercourse and all. This book is like the scene of an accident - you know you really should look away, but you just can't. And in this case I really think you shouldn't, because you'd pass gas on the laugh of a lifetime.

Reading Fire Down Below, you would think it would probably be the most awkward thing to quote any and all highlighted sections of the book to your mom -and I honestly highlighted the shit out of this (no pun intended, bwaha)- but I couldn't help doing it anyways. I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said this book didn't constantly crack me up... Debra Anastasia, thank you for my new-found abs! You had me in stitches more times than I care to admit.

Fire Down Below follows Dove Glitch, a young woman with a problem... down below. Goíng to her local store's pharmacy counter to fill a prescription, she meets hot -and totally indiscreet- pharmacist Johnson Fitzwell, who has her down below going fiery with more than just an itch - with desire. Awkwardness and previously existing relationships however are not the only things standing in their way, so a series of unfortunate, but to the reader absolutely hilarious, events begins. And just when you'll want more, and more, and more... you hit the end. Urgh! Why? But have no fear, part two, Fire in the Hole, will soon-ish be here. And I really hope my OTP will get a chance in the upcoming sequel... "Who's that?" - the last cuddle-hug in Fire Down Below will answer that question for you!


A selection of things I will never be able to look at the same again:

- Debra Anastasia. She has some serious balls, is a genius, and the Queen of Hilarious. Seriously. Who else would make herself a character in such a book - a porn writer, nonetheless.

- Squirrels. Immoral bastards.

- Hot Dogs. Good thing I've never liked them anyways.

- Farts. Yes, you've read right. Those things that magically make the air around you stink. Gas. The green-ish clouds coming out of people's exhaust pipes will forever be spelling out "Duke".

- Olive Garden. Just... no.

5/5! 

I honestly kept going back and forth, debating if I wanted to give this 4 or 5 stars - but considering the creativity and genius hilarity in this book, there was no way around the full score!

Keep reading for a chance to win an eCopy of Debra Anastasia's Fire Down Below, as well as a matching signed maxi pad puppet!

"Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.

Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally."

Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.

Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter. 

"There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.
           Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared..."

Social Media Links:

Amazon 

Barnes & Noble  

Goodreads

Twitter

Facebook

Instagram

Pinterest

#‎FireDownBelow‬  

▴Amazon US ➜ amzn.to/1HvQywp 

▴Amazon UK ➜ amzn.to/1DgCa4U 

▴Amazon AU ➜ bit.ly/1CkOCDU 

▴KoBo ➜ bit.ly/166Xtej 

▴iBooks ➜ bit.ly/1Kfvpmh 

▴B&N ➜ TBA

GIVEAWAY*
A big thank you to everyone who has entered the giveaway(s)! The winners have now been notified. 


* The signed maxi pad puppet giveaway is open to US-readers only. The eBook as well as the signed maxi pad puppet will be provided by Debra Anastasia & Nina Bocci. By entering the giveaways you agree for your information to be forwarded to either one of them for the purpose of delivering your prize. A big THANK YOU goes out to Debra Anastasia and Nina Bocci for their generosity! *

*** I received an ARC of Fire Down Below in exchange for an honest review. ***